My name is not really “Magic,” which I spell “Majik,” like it’s Arabic. Why Arabic? I don’t know. Arabic is kind of chic, is it not? See what I did there? Yeah, I know. Forgive me . . . but don’t try to tell me that you wouldn’t have done it too!

I pronounce “Majik” like a seductive French woman would, “MAA-zheek.” Why a seductive French woman? “Why not?” is the better question, isn’t it! Oh c’mon. Don’t try to tell me that you don’t imagine seductive French women calling you “MAA-zheek” too!

Wait. Where was I? Did I mention that I have clinically diagnosed ADHD?

“YOU try to use THAT as an excuse for everything,” you say.

Well . . . yeah. A doctor hands you a perfectly good explanation for everything you’ve ever done wrong in your life and that’s also handy to whip out as an excuse to get you out of blame for your many misbehaviors, and you’re telling me that you ain’t gonna use it? I’m not buying that baloney sandwich, Mister . . . or Missy. I’m just NOT.

“You’re not listening to me. You never listen to me when I talk.” -ADHD

“Why didn’t you make your deadline?” -ADHD

“I’ve showed you how to do this I don’t know how many times! What’s wrong with you?” -ADHD

“You didn’t take out the trash like I asked you to!” -ADHD

“You didn’t do your taxes! What are you gonna tell the IRS?” -ADHD

“Adam . . . Adam? Where are you?” -ADHD

Actually Adam didn’t use the excuse of his ADHD. Adam HAD BALLS, Man! You know what Adam told God when he was asked WHY he brought about what’s called “The Fall of Man?”

“The woman Thou gavest me, Lord . . . SHE did it.”

First he blamed the woman and then he really upped the ante and blamed God.

DAMN! THAT took some BIG COJONES, didn’t it?

Did I mention that “all men are bastards?”