I live in Yuma, Arizona, “The Sunshine Capital Of The World.”

Sometimes that’s a good thing . . . like when the rest of you are freezing off your keisters, and we Yuman Beings are wearing our shorts and flip flops . . . like every Christmas and New Year’s Day . . . actually every day between Halloween and Memorial Day . . . Flag Day if we’re really, REALLY LUCKY! During our seemingly endless summers we wear even less clothes.

But sometimes . . . we wonder how long our stint in Purgatory is going to last this time while praying that we didn’t take the wrong flight to a different destination.

AND it does NOT help at all that THIS summer our favorite reruns of “Everybody Loves Raymond” keeps playing a new pair of commercials from some underfunded group of climate control nut jobs.

I was trying to find them on the internet. They MUST be there somewhere . . .

But then I thought, “HEY, IDIOT! You absolutely can’t stand seeing these public service spots on ‘Everybody Love Raymond!’ WHY the hell would you muck up The Happy Narcissist with something that makes you get up and leave the room EVERY TIME it comes on?”

Oh yeah . . . huh?

Therefore, I’ll use a thousand words instead to paint a picture that, trust me, you actually NEVER want to see.

There are two of these commercials so far, and I don’t think that there’s any chance of more coming, because I don’t think that these pair are capable of reproducing. It’s not that it would be physiologically impossible, it’s just that I doubt there’s any inclination, if you know what I mean.

Both commercials present two women discussing how HOT it’s getting in one of them and a perceived increase in forest fires in the other, and both hammer home the point that the increasing heat and the uptick in forest fires are both directly attributable to man-made global warming because of the consumption of fossil fuels.

In each of these commercials, one of the two women is an “everywoman” solid citizen, salt-of-the-earth, so-called “parent,” and the other woman is a bonafide scientist who assures the everywoman concerned parent that “it’s NOT a belief, it’s a scientific fact” that we are ruining our planet.

OK. OK. I’m NOT going to enter into the discussion on this matter of current controversy about “Climate Change.”

I’m just going to say that whoever put these two low production value commercials on the air knows absolutely NOTHING about how to sell something.

Rule Number One In Sales: “SEX SELLS.”

Rule Number Two: “SEE RULE NUMBER ONE!”

In the rising temperature commercial, the purported scientist is one of the homeliest women that I have ever seen, and the smugness of her palpable sense of self righteousness does nothing to improve her looks either.

Now before I get all kinds of hate mail for having said what I just said, please let me admit that my own looks are NOTHING to write home about. In fact, I’m just lucky to have found one woman who was once charitable enough to become my partner for life. And for that, I not only thank my lucky stars, but I also bless the Good Lord just to cover all the bases!

However, if you want to attract people who you would like to draw into your constituency, an ATTRACTIVE sales person is the first thing that you need to get.

The other woman who portrays a supposed scientist in the commercial about forest fires is alright in comparison to her scientific colleague in the rising heat commercial. However, the supposed parent in the forest fires commercial has GOT TO FIND A COMB somewhere AND USE IT fast! I have never seen a “rat’s nest” hair do before until I glimpsed this commercial . . . and I’m telling you the truth, “glimpse” is the longest I’ve been able to have this woman’s hair in my line of sight.

WHAT THE HELL, PEOPLE!

WOULD you like me to help you sell your political/scientific/metaphysical subject for you?

DO IT LIKE THIS if you want people to believe that things are getting TOO HOT TO HANDLE!